Teens/Children Archives

October 1, 2019 by Maureen Cary Leave a Comment

How to Help Your Child Deal with Their Anger

Many parents believe in the same myth: if they do everything right, their children will be happy. But that’s not how childhood works. No matter how much you love your child or how much you give to them in the way of attention and material items, kids are still going to experience all kinds of emotions, including anger.

While childhood is filled with fun and wonder, it is also a time when children often feel a lack of independence, scared, and confused by the world around them. These feelings, combined with growing pains, an increase in hormones and the pressure of doing well in school and extra-curricular activities, quite naturally leads to frustration and anger.

Here are some ways to help your child deal with their anger:

Recognize it’s Normal and Healthy

You can’t help your child if you see them as Damien from “The Omen.” The feeling of anger is completely normal and natural for human beings of all ages to experience. Approach your child with this attitude. Your job is not to STOP them from feeling anger, it’s to help them process their anger in constructive, not destructive, ways.

Stay Calm

If only your child chose to be angry on the days you didn’t have a fight with a coworker and then were stuck in traffic on the way home for an hour and a half. It’s important to remain calm when your child is having an anger fit, even on those days you feel like blowing your own top. This will not only help keep the situation under control, it will also teach them through action how to control their own emotions as they grow and develop.

Validate Your Child’s Anger

Never tell your child they shouldn’t feel something they are feeling. If they are feeling frustrated and angry, chances are there is a very good reason for it. So validate their anger. This can be as simple as saying, “You seem very upset right now,” instead of saying, “Hey, calm down, there’s no reason to get so angry.” Validating their feelings will help them identify their emotions and not feel bad or ashamed of them.

Help Them Release Their Energy

Help your child deal with their anger in positive ways instead of negative ways. Very young children may want to draw their anger. Older children may want to run around in the back yard. Teenagers may want to lift weights to get that energy out. Squeezing stress balls and bubble wrap is a fun way to get the anger out and it often ends in everyone having a good laugh.

Feeling anger is a natural part of life. Don’t make your child feel bad for their anger and don’t feel like you’ve somehow failed as a parent because your child experiences anger. Anger just is and we all have to learn to process it in healthy ways.

Some kids have more anger than others. In the case of a divorce or sudden death of a parent, a child may be dealing with the kind of anger that requires professional counseling. If you or someone you know has a child with extreme anger issues and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

September 2, 2019 by Maureen Cary Leave a Comment

5 Ways to Get Your Teenager to Talk to You

It’s tough trying to get your teen to talk. Science has shown that the teenager’s brain has yet to fully develop the frontal cortex, which is the area that controls our ability to reason, and to think before we act. As your teen’s brain develops, they’re also learning new things about themselves and their surrounding world; simultaneously, they’re dealing with hormonal changes out of their control.

For all of these reasons and more, it can be difficult to find ways to talk to your teen, or to get them to talk to you. Although it’s difficult, it’s not impossible; read on to find five ways to get your teenager to talk to you.

Learn to Listen

Take the time to listen to your teenager when they want to talk. Instead of saying you’ll talk to them later, step away from what you’re doing and listen to what they have to say. Don’t talk, interrupt or be quick to offer advice; just listen. Kids have thoughts and experiences that their parents don’t know about, and the best time to listen to them is when they’re asking to talk to you.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

As you listen to your teen, your knee jerk response may be to quickly resolve their issue, offer advice or maybe even dismiss their complaints or opinions. Put yourself in your teen’s shoes; think about how you would feel if your spouse responded to you the way you respond to them.

Watch for Signs

Everyone has a desire to be heard and understood. As you talk to your teen, mirror back to them what you hear them saying. Watch for signs that they’re not being heard or understood by you. They might roll their eyes, shake their head, wave their hand at you or interrupt. When they’re nodding and/or silent, you’ll know you’ve understood.

Ask Specific Questions

Ask your teen specific questions rather than general “how was your day?” questions. Ask questions about a friend you know by name. Ask about a sport they participate in or a teacher they like. Ask open ended questions such as, “What was Mr. Burton’s class like today?”, or “What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?”

Location, Location, Location

When and where you try to talk to your teen matters. One of the worst times to talk to kids is after school. Just like you do after work, they need wind-down time. Instead, ask questions around the dinner table. It’s casual, and there’s no pressure for eye contact. The car is another great place to talk to your teen (unless their friends are in the back seat); they feel more comfortable because you’re not looking at them.

If you’re having difficulty communicating with your teenager and need some help and guidance, a licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s set up a time to talk.

August 2, 2019 by Maureen Cary Leave a Comment

How to Tell if Your Child is Being Bullied

If you think back to your own childhood, you remember there are generally two types of kids: The bully and those that the bully bullies. Most of us fell into that second group of kids. And don’t think for a minute that girls can’t be bullies, because they can. Girls can actually be brutal to one another.

Not only are kids and teens bullied the old fashioned way with taunts in the hallway, shoving and tripping, but now thanks to a proliferation of social media, they can be bullied 24/7 365.

While no parent wants to think that their child is being bullied, it’s important to know the truth. And sometimes you have to find that truth out on your own, because your child won’t come to you.

Here are some ways you can tell if your child is being bullied:

Their Mood Has Suddenly Changed

Has your child suddenly become depressed or anxious and there is nothing in your home life that would warrant such a change? When you ask what is wrong, do they snap at you or avoid the conversation altogether?

They Begin to Not Want to Go to School

If your child used to enjoy school and is now reluctant to go most days, something is not right. They may pretend to get sick often, miss the bus on purpose or just refuse to get out of bed.

Their “Stuff” is Missing

Is your child’s school bag, toys or cellphone suddenly missing or broken? When you asked what happened, do they seem fearful to tell you? Bullies often oppress other kids by stealing or breaking their personal possessions.

They are Having Trouble Sleeping

Does your child come to you in the middle of the night unable to fall or stay asleep? Has their teacher spoken to you about them falling asleep in class? Children who are being bullied are often too anxious to sleep at night, worrying about the next day.

They Have Physical Marks

One of the most obvious signs of bullying is having marks such as scrapes, cuts and bruises. When you ask where they came from, it is very obvious they are not telling you the truth or the whole truth.

If you find out your child is being bullied, you will want to speak with school administrators to bring the situation to their attention so they can take necessary actions. Also, let your child know they may come to you at any time to talk about what’s happening. You may also want to have your child speak to a therapist who can help them deal with the fear and anxiety.

If your child is being bullied and you’d like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.